Beyond Inebriated

I kissed him two nights ago. 


Beyond inebriated, we were watching a movie. Austin Powers, so romantic and somehow, my hand ended up in his. There was another person in the room and it felt dangerous, just that minute gesture. 


Isn't it funny how the smallest of touches in the most innocent of places can mean so much?


So the movie ended and it was two in the morning and the other boy went to bed. I made the statement that I should too but I didn't move and the door closed on us before I could even consider getting up. My hand was still in his and now I'm fuzzy on the details but I know that I just stared at him for a long time and he stared back. And then he kissed me. 


My moment of clarity was such that I was able to state that this was a bad idea before I kissed him back and the mention of how drunk I was got thrown in quite a few times. 


I think that what scared me the most though was that he said what the other boy said. That he wished he could open up my head and see what was inside, because god knows that for all my noteworthy intelligence, it's not a brain. That it was so hard to have gotten to now because I didn't like being touched. That I was gorgeous and that made me uncomfortable. But I hope that it's not a trend and that not every boy thinks of me this way. I dont need to be scared like that again. 


I fell asleep next to him and woke up in time to slip away before the sun rose. 


And when I woke up in my own bed, the symptoms I had didn't relate to the hangover. Because yes, I had a headache, but I was also shaking and couldn't properly breathe. The mind-fuck has been fucking up my body for a day now. 


I skipped the war-zone and dyed my hair pink. 


And now I cant decide if I'm even more afraid of the whole wide world or not.