The Boy Number One.

So I have a boyfriend, "The Boy Number One" and we've been together for more than nine months. He is the first. The first boyfriend, the first kiss, the first believer in myself. He loved me when I told him I was slightly crazy. He loved me when I told him I was frigid and therefore wouldn't have sex with him. He loved me when I was actually me. And I love him. No 'd' to indicate past tense. But today I'm not so sure he loves me back. 

In my mind, I want to be direct, to be blunt, to just say, "Tell me what you want, because I love you but if what you want isn't me, then I've no idea what we're doing here." 

But I cant. I've lost too many good things by being this direct before. 

I wonder how many people are experiencing the exact same feelings of insecure and neurotic worry right now? How many good things are on the verge of dying because of this? I wonder what I should do.

I'm worried you see, because I miss him when he's gone and I taught myself not to miss people a very long time ago. I'm not naive enough to believe this relationship could ever be a perpetual sort of a thing, but I really dont want it to end like this, not now. 

I'm tired but I cant sleep, I'm sad but I cant cry. 

My own company is driving me insane.